So, I am really struggling with an issue as of late. What is that issue?
Well, you see, I realized that my best-friend of 16 years and I have grown apart. And I mean like great, gaping chasm apart. I mean like, "Evel Kinevel couldn't get across this bitch even if he had a fucking bridge.", apart.
It has been happening for some time, and I honestly had turned a blind eye to it.
Although, about 3 years ago, I slowly started to notice.
At that time I was healing from a very nasty divorce, and was re-evaluating my life, and figuring out what I wanted in my life, as well as what I didn't. I was figuring out how to cultivate healthiness in my life, and remove all the unhealthiness.
It was during that process that I realized my best-friend and I weren't such a good fit personality-wise after all.
I wondered how I had put up with all the classist, racist, homophobic, sexist and just willfully ignorant things that came out of their mouth for as long as I had. And then it came to me, it didn't matter how I HAD put up with it, the fact of the matter was, was I going to STILL put up with it? And the answer came as a loud voice from deep within.
HELL NO!!
So, I made the decision to end the friendship. One of the harder decisions I have made in years, trust me. This was the longest relationship I had ever had in my life, and this person knew me better than my own family.
I thought about how I would approach the subject for a couple of months, and knowing my friend as well as I do, I decided on what I thought would be the best way to deliver the news. Given that she does better with written word, and I knew that if I picked up the phone or invited her out for coffee to talk about it....it would turn really ugly, and potentially violent, I chose the medium of an e-mail message*.
*NOTE: Not what I would normally have done as that I find this means of breaking bad news really tasteless and rude.
But anyhow, I sent this message:
XXXX,
Okay, I have been sitting on this message for a while and I figure now is as good a time as any to send it.
So, you wanted to know what you did wrong, and really XXXX, you did NOTHING wrong. I just have finally come to realize that over the last 3+ years, we have grown in vastly different directions.
There is nothing wrong with that, it's just that the directions that we both have taken in our lives over those years just doesn't mesh so well anymore. You are you, and that is who you are...as I am me, and that's who I am. And well, I have found that I have been compromising who I am just for the sake of friendship.
I personally can't make that compromise anymore and yet remain true to who I am...it is unfair to you, and it is unfair to me. People should be able to be true to who they are, and true to themselves. And, I would never want you to change, which means I would have to change if we remained friends. And I can't do that.
So, it really hurts me to say this, but given our continued growth as people, and how we have already grown in our own directions, which has led us further and further apart...we can't continue to be friends and have it benefit us both. I am saying that I am letting our friendship go, and want you to go out, tackle life, and just be the fabulous and wonderfully sweet person you are. And I will go my way, and be whatever the universe has in store for me.
16 years has been a long time, and we have one hell of a history together, but that history needs to evolve. And it needs to evolve into us as seperate people.
Know that you still mean the world to me, and I will always love you for who you are. You just have grown so much and so have I that we don't fit in the box we created for our friendship.
It's been great...however, it's done. I let you go as my friend. Be happy, and I wish you all the best life has to offer.
With much sadness, and grace
~Behr
It was received much better than I thought it would be...or so they led me to believe.
And while I understand FULLY the pain of loss and the grief they felt, I was baffled at the rude texts, and other messages that eventually started to come.
Rather than engage them in a "pissing match", I chose to let it lie, and not respond. Why add fuel to the fire, yanno?
Many of my other friends urged me to talk to my best-friend about this, and I weighed the option of that over and over in my mind.
I thought maybe I had been too harsh in my decision to end our friendship, and I began to reconsider what I had done. I figured, yes, I would talk to them about it and ask for forgiveness for hurting them and tell them I reconsidered, and figured I would give us a second chance at friendship if they would have it.
That same day, I received a text message from them that floored me.
The message was as follows, and I quote:
"Really WTF. U really have some nerve. So I'm sure u and XXXX did your cleansing of bad juju, wild, kinky sex just to release MY bad energy from your place. No surprise. You only think of yourself."
My jaw hit the floor at warp speed. I even think it might have broke some land-speed record. I was flabbergasted.
This person, who had been a constant in my life for 16 years had suddenly resorted to absolute hatred and pure evil and was lashing out in the worst way possible. I never in a million years would have thought this person was capable of that.
As I contemplated what to do about this obscene and overly rude text message, I realized one thing. This person didn't KNOW ME AT ALL. If they did, they would know that I would never disrespect my partner by using sex as a means to run or hide from anything.
So, after an emotional breakdown that would compare with Hiroshima and Nagasaki...or hell even the repeated bombings of the Bikini Atoll...I knew the step I had to take.
I had to tell them this was inappropriate, and tell them I would not tolerate THAT kind of behaviour from ANYONE.
*sigh* And so, I sent this back:
XXXX,
I did some thinking about this all.
And I want you to know, I was more than willing to reconsider my ending our friendship and give you a second chance. After all, you are right, 16 years of a friendship is something that should be attempted to be worked through if at all possible. However, with the recent texts you have sent to me, as well as the calling my phone repeatedly. I will NOT reconsider.
Calling me a coward and attacking me because you are mad that I won't talk to you, when I said I needed TIME AND SPACE was quite rude and disrespectful. And when I said I needed time and space to you AGAIN, and that I would talk to you when I was ready, you didn't respect that either. You kept sending texts and bothering me, trying to force my hand so that I would talk to you. That was unacceptable. And it was rude.
And then today, I get your text which COMPLETELY disrespected me, AND XXXX, whom you claim to adore and respect greatly. What was respectful about making an underhanded comment about XXXX? How is that being "adoring of" and "respecting" her, as you claim to be?
Also, how in the world did you think saying something like, "Really You have some nerve. So I am sure you and XXXX did your cleansing of 'bad ju-ju wild, kinky sex' just to get rid of MY bad energy from your place. No surprise. You think only of yourself.", was okay. How would you feel if someone said that to YOU??
It is because of THOSE things....not the things in the past, that is making me write this message. Your behaviour over these last few days...actually, since I sent you the original message has been UNACCEPTABLE. I will not tolerate someone dragging my girlfriend, who has NOTHING to do with this, into the middle of it by making obscene comments in reguards to our sex life. You were completely out of line. And if you could disrespect my girlfriend like that, knowing damned good and well that I wouldn't appreciate it, then it clearly states me what consideration and reguard you have for me, your "best friend". You have no reguard for me, and you have no consideration.
And it because of this, I will say this ONCE and only ONCE. I will NOT reconsider my ending our friendship, I will NOT welcome you back into my life with open arms. I will NOT tolerate any more rude or disrespectful texts or phone calls.
I have NEVER once disrespected you in all this as you have towards me today. And while you may not believe this now, I will still not disrespect you the way you have towards me and XXXX. What I WILL do, is define my boundaries with you, and tell you that you were COMPLETELY OUT OF LINE!!
This is done, I am over this shit.
DO NOT CONTACT ME AGAIN!!!
As of today, you are dead to me.
Have a good life, and I hope you are happy.
~Behr
Now I know that I am most likely going to receive some horrendous kickback, and I am fine with that.
However, I could not try playing the whole, "Sticks and stone may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.", shit...words do hurt. And they hurt alot.
And you can't kick a behr and not expect a response. *growls*
So, now, to don my hip waders, and rain coat, because the shit is going to hit the fan. *regretful sigh*
